The Patrick Bateman Tinder

Date of meeting: Early February 2015

I came back to Japan for the second time. As is my usual routine whenever I visit a foreign country, I got on Tinder ASAP and matched with Patrick Bateman Tinder within a few days. Patrick Bateman Tinder was my first Tinder date in Japan in Febrary 2015.

I could see that he had been active recently since we matched but hadn’t messaged me, so I decided to take the initiative. I don’t usually do this, but he was very handsome and I suspected he might be Eurasian, so I messaged him asking if he was in Tokyo.

He said that he hadn’t been using Tinder long, and was living in Tokyo. He asked me if I was free for a meal or drinks the next evening, which I was, so we arranged to meet in Shinjuku on a Thursday night. Patrick Bateman Tinder said that he had a Japanese class which ran late, so he said he wouldn’t be able to meet up until around 10 ish that night.

Whenever a guy from Tinder wants to meet up late at night, naturally my alarm bells start ringing. I had previously met up with someone from Tinder late at night though and he hadn’t tried to hook up, so I thought that maybe Patrick Bateman Tinder was sincerely busy until late as well.

Due to the chaos of Shinjuku station, there was some trouble in meeting up, and we didn’t manage to find each other until 15 minutes later than the set meeting time. When I finally saw him though, I felt shocked at how attractive and tall he was. He was much better looking in person and despite being ‘Australian’, he had grown up in China and had attended international school there, resulting in a strange accent that seemed to be a hybrid of British and American. Coincidentally, he was Eurasian, like I thought he was (totally my type)- half Taiwanese, half Australian. As we walked from Shinjuku station to Golden Gai, we talked about ourselves and what we were doing in Japan.

Patrick Bateman Tinder worked in finance, at a well known American corporation (even in Japan, all the guys on Tinder are in finance). He lived nearby in Shibuya and had been living the expat life for 18 months now. He was very smiley, tall, attractive and a perfect gentleman to boot- your typical Prince Charming type. He picked a bar in Shinjuku Golden Gai called Kangaroo Court and we had two scotches to start off with and some bar snacks.

He had been fine up to this point, but after we got into the bar, he began talking to the bartender and the other lone customer in the bar more than me. I found it quite unusual and wondered if he was shy or was trying to give me a subtle message that he was disinterested in me.

We ordered another round of drinks while chatting back and forth in a group- Patrick Bateman Tinder to the bartender, me to the other lone customer in the bar. I was feeling really awkward when we suddenly got onto the topic of Japanese food, Patrick Bateman Tinder and I started talking to each other again, as well as discussing our favourite Japanese foods with the other bartender and the other customer. The bartender recommended fish ramen to Patrick Bateman Tinder and I, and said he would take us to go eat it right then and there. The other Kangaroo Court customer, an older Japanese man, also joined us.

As the four of us ate ramen in Nagi (situated another laneway away from Kangaroo Court) Patrick Bateman Tinder and I chatted about the hilarious spontaneity of things that could only happen in Japan, and I stopped feeling so awkward. After we ate ramen, Patrick Bateman Tinder said he was exhausted but asked if I wanted to explore more (very gentlemanly of him, I thought) and when I said I was tired as well, he said that he was going to get a cab home and that he’d drop me off.

While in the cab home, Patrick Bateman Tinder asked me what I was doing tomorrow (Friday night) and I was a little drunk already so I suggested we should go drinking in Roppongi and then clubbing at Feria. Patrick Bateman Tinder agreed and suggested meeting up late in Roppongi again. When we got to Shin-Okubo, the suburb where my hotel was, Patrick Bateman Tinder was sitting on the kerb side of the cab, and got out first. Because of this I thought he was going to try and come back to my hotel with me, but after getting out, I realised he had just made way for me so I wouldn’t have had to get out of the car into oncoming traffic. I didn’t spend a cent that evening as Patrick Bateman Tinder had picked up the bill all night. He then waved goodbye to me without kissing me, and said he’d see me tomorrow.

Second meeting: The next day, I messaged Patrick Bateman Tinder to see if he was still up for drinks that night, and he said he sure was, but wasn’t sure as to how long his batteries would last. I also asked if I could add him on Facebook, as I was enamoured and wanted to go through all his pictures, but he then went into a lengthy spiel: ‘On Facebook.. I should have mentioned this last night and sorry for not. I’m not on Facebook to be honest. But have a dummy account for the purposes of Tinder. Hopefully now you’ve seen me in the flesh, you know my profile is not misleading. But I’ve perhaps broken down the social contract around Tinder.. where you can rely on as it’s a window into people’s Facebook lives’.

I found it a little strange that he went into so much detail explaining why he didn’t have Facebook, but just attributed it to his gentlemanly ways.

The next night, I met Patrick Bateman Tinder late in Roppongi and we went to an intimate, dimly lit scotch bar. The bar played jazz, and it felt very grown up and classy. I felt out of sorts as I was wearing an outfit that resembled a prostitute trying to channel a schoolgirl: Jeffrey Campbells with knee high black socks, high-waisted black leather shorts, and a striped knit top with a collar. At that bar, I made a startling realisation- my Tinder date seriously reminded me of Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. His mannerisms and the way he dressed and spoke were a dead ringer for Patrick Bateman. The resemblance was uncanny. Of course, I felt a little nervous- Patrick Bateman is a gorgeous, rich banker by day, and a serial killer by night.

“Have you ever seen American Psycho?” I asked him curiously. Expecting a yes or no response, and maybe a curious ‘why?’, I was shocked when he replied with:

“Do I remind you of Patrick Bateman?”

I replied that he definitely did, and I asked how he knew I was thinking that. He said his ex-girlfriend had also made the same correlation. Knowing that someone else, especially someone so close to him had also thought that he was similar to Patrick Bateman really creeped me out, but I shook it off and told myself the chances of him being a serial killer were little to none. I had already survived one night with him, I could survive another! We finished one drink at the scotch bar, and I suggested going to a different bar as I was all scotched out. Patrick Bateman Tinder suggested going to his favourite bar, Franziskaner, in Tokyo midtown. As we were en route to Franziskaner, who should we see crossing the road, but Voyeur Tinder.

I turned around the instant I saw him and pretended I hadn’t seen him at all, while feeling sick on the inside. Patrick Bateman Tinder continued talking, oblivious to it all, and I pretended like nothing was wrong. We walked past Feria and coincidentally walked past Groper Tinder as well. I can’t avoid anyone in this goddamn town.

I felt so horrible after seeing Voyeur Tinder that I decided to get plastered that night and go home with Patrick Bateman Tinder. When we got to Franziskaner, it was again another classy, quiet bar and I began to feel as if I had for once met a man that was too elegant for me. We sat at a table facing one another making small talk about our lives, and I felt completely out of sorts. I downed the beer, and we left soon after.

At this point, Patrick Bateman Tinder began saying he was a bit tired, but I then suggested we should go to one more bar. He suggested going to one in Shibuya as it was closer to his place so he could stay out longer (my alarm bells were ringing) so we got a cab there. We ended up at Scramble, a bar near Shibuya crossing which doubled as a cafe and breakfast. It was a strange experience going there on a Friday night as I had been there for coffee in 2014.

The place was pumping EDM and filled with rowdy salarymen and Japanese women- I had never seen more rowdy Japanese people in my life. As soon as we got there, I downed two oolong-hais in the space of 10 minutes and also had a tequila shot. At Scramble, I remember chatting to Patrick Bateman Tinder about whether he hooked up with Japanese girls or had dated anyone since being in Tokyo. Now was the interesting part- he said he hadn’t dated or hooked up with anyone since he had moved to Japan, because he was shy. He said he just got Tinder recently to ‘get out there’.

Shortly after this, I realised that the three drinks I’d had in the space of 10 minutes were hitting me, and I decided to kiss him. I don’t remember what he said or did after the first time I kissed him, but there was a second attempt, and after that time, he said “Wow, spontaneous! Let’s continue drinking at my place.”

We got a cab to his place nearby and after going up to his apartment, I remember having a beer called Hoppy’s, vomiting in his toilet, and not much else. However, I distinctly remember that we did not hook up at his place.

I woke up on Saturday morning with all my clothes and makeup from Friday night still on- on the couch no less. I had been given a blanket and pillows though. Normally I would have just crept out in embarrassment, but I woke up with a raging hangover, and the problem was that I was staying in a strange hotel that kicked me out at 11am every day. I couldn’t even keep my luggage or anything in the room. As I hadn’t planned on staying overnight at Patrick Bateman Tinder’s house, my stuff was still strewn all over my hotel room and I needed to go back and check out, but I also didn’t have anywhere to sleep after that, which was what I desperately wanted to do.

After much deliberation, I got up the courage to tiptoe into Patrick Bateman Tinder’s room and ask him if I could come back and sleep at his place after I checked out (he knew the whole situation already, as I had been complaining about it from day one). He was sleeping shirtless and shrieked in surprise when he saw me standing in front of his bed, which made me feel even more awkward. He agreed to letting me come back to sleep, and sent his address to me on Line right then and there. I then walked down to get a cab back to Shin-Okubo, checked out of my place, and came back to Patrick Bateman Tinder’s place in another cab.

I had to call him over Line to open the door for me, which I felt horribly uncomfortable doing, but I was hungover and tired enough to put myself in this position and I figured I would probably never see him again anyway. After he let me up, I went back to sleep (again on the sofa, much to my dismay) and then woke up at 1pm. He was obviously not the gentleman I thought him to be.

After I went to the bathroom, I guess he heard that I was awake and got up himself. We made small talk again and he made me a toasted ham and salami sandwich with the crusts removed, while listening to TV on the Radio. We discussed what we thought about Gone Girl. At one point he asked me what I was doing that night, to which I said I was probably going to have a drink (with another Tinder) to which he said

“Well, I have a birthday tonight so I won’t be able to have a drink with you.” I thought this was a bit presumptuous seeing as I hadn’t asked him to meet me at all. I decided to freshen up before leaving his place, and went to his bathroom. As I reapplied my makeup in his bathroom, I noticed that Patrick Bateman had an alarming number of expensive face and eye creams- even more than I had. This is just yet another similarity that Patrick Bateman Tinder shares with his filmic namesake.

We both got ready and left his place. Patrick Bateman Tinder was going to play tennis, so he walked with me to the station. While we walked, I wanted to broach the topic of last night, so I said:

“Sorry about last night, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hook up or not.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous as to assume anyone wants to hook up! But thank you for making the first move.” I don’t remember the exact wording of what he said next, but it went along the lines of he didn’t pursue it when we came back to his place because I was so drunk and it might have seemed like taking advantage. I went back to thinking he was such a gentleman after this. We walked to the Tokyo metro station and caught the train together, talking until he got off at his stop. When he got off, he smiled and waved goodbye to me. I had a feeling I would never see him again.

After saying goodbye to Patrick Bateman Tinder, I went to Ginza and met Broke Tinder (more on him later). After a night of G rated fun, I went back to my Shin-Okubo hotel and was getting my things ready to check out the next day when I got a message from Patrick Bateman Tinder.

His message: Did you have success finding American Apparel today?”

That morning we had been discussing my plans for the day, and I had mentioned that I wanted to find the American Apparel store in Shibuya. We messaged each other back and forth a few times until I plucked up the courage to ask him if he was free to hang out next week. We were messaging on Line, so I could see that he had seen the message. I did not get a reply, and my gut instinct from the morning had been right: I never saw Patrick Bateman Tinder again.

Over the days that followed, I wondered why he had bothered messaging me again after we said our goodbyes- it had been a clean break and of course he couldn’t have been that interested as to whether I went shopping at American Apparel. I was discontent that we never got to sleep together as he was so gorgeous, but I was in Japan and I assured myself that more good things were bound to come along quickly.

2 weeks later: I was out with a friend in Golden Gai drinking again, when I heard a familiar voice and turned around. It was Patrick Bateman Tinder, with another girl. He was walking in an adjacent laneway and just passed by for a brief moment so he may not have seen me (I hoped he didn’t). At that moment I seriously doubted that he was ‘new’ to Tinder because he got back on the Tinder horse so quickly. I then added Golden Gai to the list of places I now had to avoid in Tokyo. I can’t avoid anyone in this town.

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