The Fake Lawyer Tinder

Date of initial meeting: September 2015

What I wore: various cute outfits

What he wore: various suits

Fake Lawyer Tinder and I matched at the beginning of September. At this time, I had written on my profile that I liked good grammar. Fake Lawyer Tinder one upped me by opening with: My grammar is so good that I noticed some mistakes in your sentence.

Being the grammar nazi that I am, this won me over instantly.

Fake Lawyer Tinder was not my type though. He didn’t look tall in photos, he wasn’t Eurasian, and he also wasn’t what I (or most people) would call attractive.

Nevertheless, we exchanged great banter over text. Fake Lawyer Tinder’s profile read: Lawyer. Basically good at everything.

Despite the mild arrogance of this, I felt comfortable exchanging texts with him, like I was chatting to a friend.

After texting for a few days, he messaged me on a Wednesday night saying that he was grabbing dinner in about half an hour and asked if I wanted to join him. I happened to be wrapping up in Surry Hills at the time he messaged me, so I said that I would join him and made my way to Town Hall.

Fake Lawyer Tinder and I decided to meet outside Makoto around 7:30ish. I got to the sushi train first, and decided to wait inside. Fake Lawyer Tinder wasn’t long and came inside just as I took my seat. When I saw him, my suspicions were confirmed. He wasn’t tall, and was only slightly taller than me.

He was wearing a nice suit and a nice watch though. You all know there is nothing I love more than the sight of a man in a suit, and I like it even more if they have a watch to boot. I felt comfortable with Fake Lawyer Tinder straight away, and despite him not being tall, I was immediately attracted to him. He had a thick Australian accent and sounded like he was 10 years older than he was. I don’t usually like Australian accents but I sort of liked his.

All in all, there was something I liked about him and I couldn’t pinpoint why. The man had charisma, and he had it in bucketloads. We had an animated discussion over dinner about our travels, and our history, during which I uncovered the deception of Fake Lawyer Tinder’s profile.

I told Fake Lawyer Tinder that I couldn’t cut it as a nurse because of the shift work. FLT replied that he had to do shift work at some point. Confused, I asked him why he had to do shift work if he was a lawyer. FLT replied that he was a qualified lawyer but he had never worked as one (although his parents had a law firm and he could take over the business if he wanted to). I accused him of lying, to which he said it’s technically not a lie because he is qualified and can work as a lawyer if he wants to (words of a lawyer, no doubt). His actual job, the one that had him flying to Sydney every week, was that of a train consultant.

I found it funny that FLT ate sushi with a knife and fork. After dinner, we hadn’t walked very far when FLT turned to me and casually slipped into conversation “my place is on Bathurst Street. I feel like a drink.”

Since it was a school night, and also because of my self-imposed alcohol ban, I decided to call it a night after dinner. As we walked past Town Hall, I told FLT that I was going home, and he said very dramatically that I was putting “a dagger through his heart”. I waved goodbye to him and went home thinking of him all the way.

An hour later, he texted me a crying face emoticon and said he was very upset about the missed opportunity for a drink.

The following day I thought about him literally the whole day.

The Sunday after we met, FLT texted me again saying he needed food ideas for week 2 in Sydney. We made plans to meet up the next night. On our second date, I met FLT at Town Hall Steps. I didn’t feel that he was as charismatic as the last time we met. On this date, I felt as though his petty, spoiled child ways were really showing through. That night, we discussed how his parents had given him an apartment, and how if his current flying lessons didn’t work out, he could live off rent from his apartment and move to a third world country like Argentina.

This reminded me of my ex-boyfriend’s attitudes to work, so of course I was mildly disgusted. As we were eating though, I noticed that he licked his fingers (a bad habit I’m also prone to), and my curiosity about his bedside manners were heightened, namely because of this article I read.

Over dinner, FLT spent a good deal of time talking about past sexual encounters that he’d had, which I didn’t mind, but led me to the idea that he was just looking for a hookup, which I wasn’t really looking for in Sydney.

After dinner, FLT settled up the bill on his two receipts again- work allows him only $40 meal allowances hence the splitting of receipts. After dinner, FLT and I were walking up George Street near Town Hall station when he said he felt like going “there” and pointed at Event Cinemas. He had thought it was a bar, and when I corrected him saying it was a movie cinema, he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. I said that there was probably nothing good out, to which he said we could also watch movies at his place.

I said I wasn’t going to his place, and that if he wanted to hang out elsewhere I’d be happy to. Of all places, we ended up at Star Bar. I had a feeling FLT was trying to pick the seediest places of all, which he admitted to, because his hotel room was fancy in comparison He ordered a beer for himself, while I refrained from alcohol.

We sat on a sofa shortly after and he put his arm around me at one point and moved in close as if to kiss me, but I pulled away and said I was a little bit tired. FLT said in a mocking, spoiled little boy way that I was “hurting his feelings”. Nevertheless, he walked me to Town Hall station anyway, and asked for a hug, to which I said “I don’t feel like hugging on Tuesdays”.

I went home feeling a little despondent about another failed date, when I got a call from my male BFF who’d just had his first Tinder sex experience, and was yelling over the phone how he couldn’t get it up. I found this so hilarious that I had to text FLT straight away and tell him about it. His response was: he sounds even more distraught than me.

We exchanged texts back and forth a little bit before it faded out. I didn’t know if I would see FLT again after that though, and I honestly didn’t care that much. He reminded too much of a spoiled little boy and he wasn’t boyfriend material.

I don’t know if it was the finger licking or his charismatic nature, but that night, I had a sex dream about FLT.

I was so curious because of my dream, and also because it had been awhile since the last time, so on Tuesday morning I texted FLT asking if I could come over that night. A few hours passed and I could see that he had seen it over Whatsapp so I thought maybe he wasn’t interested. Two hours later though, he replied saying he didn’t know what time he would be finished. I assumed he meant dinner, because he had previously told me that he would be having dinner with a friend on Tuesday evening. I said I would stick around to study at uni for a little while, but probably wouldn’t hang around too long, and FLT then said he could meet me at 5:45pm in the city. I asked if he was having dinner with his friend, to which he said that it was on Thursday (meaning he’d cancelled his plans, because he’d previously said Tuesday before).

We had Japanese for dinner and drank a little bit there. I was already a little bit drunk because I had come from a Happn date at uni and got no study done at all (instead I sat in a park and kissed someone at a traffic light, more on that later).

I don’t remember much of what was said over dinner, only that there was back and forth conversation. After dinner, we walked back to his hotel at The Adina. After choosing a movie, we lay on the bed not touching and just talking for about 20 minutes (maybe longer). It actually got to the point where I began thinking ‘is he going to make a move or what?’

Just as I was thinking this, FLT turned around and without warning, moved in for a kiss.

Before I knew it, he was going down. I have never had a guy go down so fast and so enthusiastically before #wouldmarry. Needless to say, I liked it. Anyway, it wasn’t long before we got down to it.

My intuition was right this time. Fake Lawyer Tinder was very good in bed. It was a close call between him and Whiskey Tinder. Looking back on the night, I realise that I must have been very drunk because I remember blurting out some things which I wasn’t meant to say such as “I like Eurasians” and telling him about the wrong hole incident with Whiskey Tinder.

During sex, we were in a position where FLT could put my feet and toes in his mouth. I was shocked when he did. He made the transition into this a little less surprising by saying that he “needed to suck something” and then promptly started sucking my toes. To say that I was mildly shocked and disgusted would be an understatement. However, once I got over the initial disgust, I thought ‘how many times in life am I going to get my toes sucked?’ and rolled with it.

Fake Lawyer Tinder is probably the most energetic out of all the guys I’ve been with. He said that he could go through a pack of condoms (which we basically did) and I remember doing it for so long that I actually wished he would stop.

The next morning, FLT woke up at 7 and got ready for work. When he saw me getting up at the same time he said that I could stay there until I needed to go (finally, a man that lets me sleep in his place after he leaves).

Around midday, I rolled out of bed and cleaned up FLT’s room a bit before letting myself out. I felt like a prostitute/housekeeper.

That night, I got a text from FLT that said Silly, you left your toothbrush here. I’ll keep it for next time you stay over. We exchanged a few texts before FLT commented on my good manners, saying that his clothes had never been folded so neatly and his room looked amazing.

The next week, FLT texted me on a Monday night, saying that in response to my comments about his room reminding me of Japan (it wasn’t the biggest room), he had upgraded and gotten a place at the Grace Hotel and would I like to appraise his cleaning skills. Well of course I did.

I met FLT inside Galeries Victoria on a Tuesday night, again after a date with Conspiracy Theorist Happn (more on him later). When I saw FLT, I was put out because of what had happened on my previous date and complained how Conspiracy Theorist Happn had aggressively kissed me at a traffic light. We had dinner in the city but I was in an irritable mood. While I was snapchatting my dinner, FLT felt the need to ask why I needed to take pictures of food and then added the comment that “it was a little weird”. Instant dealbreaker. I knew from that point on that I would never be in danger of developing romantic feelings for Fake Lawyer Tinder.

It might have been because I got turned off FLT’s personality, but the sex that night wasn’t seemingly as good (still good, but not as good as last week). I left his place the next day not knowing if I would ever see him again.

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