The Conspiracy Theorist

Date of meeting: September 2015

What I wore: cute skirts

What he wore: Button up shirts and jeans

During my brief stint using Happn, I matched with the Conspiracy Theorist. Conspiracy Theorist was the second guy I met from Happn- and the last. I’d like to point out that Happn has one key difference from Tinder- if someone doesn’t match with you, you are able to send them a ‘Charm’ which is basically just a notification that lets someone know you’re interested in them. Conspiracy Theorist had sent me a charm, and after going through his profile, I decided to heart him. His profile description read ‘Eurasian + Irish’. I guess Eurasians have a thing for me, too.

We chatted a little a bit, and Conspiracy Theorist hit me with the line ‘if you were a vegetable, you’d be a cute-cumber’. I found this hilarious and only slightly sleazy. We didn’t chat much over the app at all though, except for exchanging minor details such as where and what we studied. Conspiracy Theorist studied at the same university as me, but we never made plans to meet up.

A few weeks later, Conspiracy Theorist popped up saying that he was at uni at the same time as me, because Happn had showed us that we had ‘crossed paths’. Unlike Tinder, Happn doesn’t show you profiles of random users, but users that you have been in the vicinity of. Conspiracy Theorist messaged me saying: I’m at law bar as if he was expecting me to show up there and find him. I didn’t. When I replied saying: I’m at CPC, he replied saying we should meet up because he’s at uni 5 days a week. He then asked which days I was there.

We planned to meet up the following Tuesday at uni, in the afternoon. I don’t think that meeting at uni is a suitable date, so I wasn’t really too keen at all but had some spare time before a date with Fake Lawyer Tinder

The following Tuesday, I met Conspiracy Theorist outside the science library. This was one of the few examples where I turned up for a date, only to find that he looked worse than his pictures. To be completely honest, I wanted to leave right then and there, but decided not to be rude and stayed.

We went to grab a drink at Manning and chatted on the way there about ourselves. Conspiracy Theorist’s voice reminded me of Patrick Bateman Tinder.  It was too bad he was a much less handsome version though.

Conspiracy Theorist and I were getting along fine, but we had really no chemistry, although I found him intelligent and interesting to talk to. We had one drink at Manning, and then another drink at a pub nearby, and then we sat in Victoria Park and talked for a little while about conspiracy theories, and technology. Conspiracy Theorist was studying software engineering and was thinking about whether to ‘sell out’ and work for a corporation like Google. Soon after that, I had to leave to meet Fake Lawyer Tinder, so we said goodbye at a traffic light on City Road, and Conspiracy Theorist kissed me goodbye (ragrets).

We made plans to meet up again at uni the following week, again before a date with Fake Lawyer Tinder (yup, totes just using him as a filler). We took a look around the university art gallery before going to a cafe (he let me pay) then went back to uni and chatted in the library because it started to rain. #studentdates

While we were in the elevator, he asked me if I had ever made out in an elevator, to which I said ‘no, and I don’t want to.’ After that I decided it was high time to GTFO and said that it was time to meet my friend. He walked me to the bus stop and again forcefully kissed me, to which I broke away from in a disturbed manner and left.

I’d like to say we just stopped talking naturally, but he kept texting me and so I was forced to say I just wanted to be friends. I had added him on Facebook after our first date, but after I said I just wanted to be friends, I blocked him on Whatsapp and then saw his Facebook profile disappear. A few weeks later, his Facebook profile resurfaced and he had liked one of my public photos. Conspiracy theorists have no shame about social media stalking.

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