After I met Sebastian Valmont, we made plans to meet the next day. He texted me shortly after we met, to give him a list of my hard limits. He told me to come an hour earlier than the time I had suggested so that he could “take his time”. He issued me commands the night prior through text, such as to come to a certain address, buzz, and when I got in, to put my bag down at the door and then stand in front of him. He also told me to wear a short skirt and preferred heels, but that they weren’t necessary.
Due to Sydney’s terrible public transport, I was late by about 40 minutes. I felt anxious thinking about how angry he would be, but there was nothing to be done about it. I got a swift text from Sebastian Valmont 2 minutes after our designated meeting time which said: In these instances punctuality is important. I told him about the situation and apologized, to which he said: You’ll have to pay for it.
Everything he said exuded control and dominance. Being spoken to in this way was a first for me. Even in instances of my Tinder hookups, when I had been with dominant men, they exuded control but generally communication was still quite horizontal. In this instance, the boundaries of dominance and submission were really pushed, and it was thrilling. The night before, we had gone over my hard limits which were: no face hitting, no anal intercourse, no double penetration, not being tied hard enough to leave a mark, condoms, always.
When I got off at Kings Cross station, I walked the short distance to his apartment and felt trepidation at what I was doing, but continued anyway. I pressed the number of his apartment and came up. When I got to his level, I was relieved to see that there were workers renovating the apartment right next door to his apartment, so if I was really in danger, I could call for help (NOTE: it is not a good sign if you go to someone’s apartment and are relieved that there are people around that you can call for help to). I went to the number of his apartment, and opened the unlocked door.
You’ve heard of Voyeur Tinder and his transparent bathroom. Well, Sebastian Valmont was a whole other level. If Voyeur Tinder was a level 1 voyeur, Sebastian Valmont was level 10- he was the real deal. When I entered the room, it was dark. The windows had blinds pulled over them, blocking out any sunlight. He was sitting on a sofa facing the door, so when I entered I was in his direct line of sight. The apartment was small, and there was a double bed with white bed-sheets in the left corner, with a lit up candle next to it. He was sitting on the sofa with one leg propped on the other, fully dressed in dark pants, a pinkish button up shirt with a collar, and a sweater on top, with pointy leather shoes, despite the 40 degree heat. I could feel his intense gaze on me as soon I entered, and I felt deeply ashamed. I’ve never felt ashamed any time going to a man’s house for sex, but I did that time. Questions flooded my mind such as: what kind of person does this? Am I sick? Am I a sex addict? I felt like a dirty, misbehaving child. Not once could I meet his eye during the time we were there.
As he’d instructed through text, I put my bag down next to the door and went to stand in front of him. As with our first meeting, he spoke quietly, but in a controlling way. The first thing he told me to do was to take off my underwear. He then issued me with a number of commands, in this order: spread your legs. Wider. Lift your skirt. Turn around. Bend over. Turn back around. Kneel. Masturbate. After I started doing this, he leaned over and put his fingers inside me.
I did everything he asked me to, with a sense of shame. He had me masturbate, while he got off the sofa and walked around me in a circle.
He then made me lean forward onto the sofa, and blindfolded me. I heard him walk into the kitchen and get something. When he came back, I could sense him standing behind me, and I soon felt cold drops down my back. I could hear his heavy, labored breathing down my spine, coming close enough to my body, but not touching it. Still behind me, he leaned down and put an ice cube inside me. After that, I heard him walking around the room again. I heard him pick up something again, and again, I felt drops down my back. This time, they were hot.
After that, he dragged a metal contraption over. He told me to extend my left arm, and tied my wrist to it. He did the same thing with my right wrist. He also tied my neck to the contraption. He then came and stood in front of me, very close, and unzipped his pants. In a tone of restrained anger and disapproval, he said: you were late today.
He told me to open my mouth, and then, wider. He took his penis out and shoved it in my mouth. It was so big, I could barely fit it in, and was basically gagging the whole time. Tears were coming out of my eyes and running down my face. Now I know how girls in porn feel who get f*cked so hard they start crying. He didn’t do this for long though, and before long, I felt something wet running down my face and chest.
After this, I felt him cut off the wrist ties, the one at my throat, and the blindfold. He told me to stand up, and sit down on the bed. He then proceeded to have sex with me, with his hands around my throat. It was a completely different experience to the one with the Venture Investor.
In hindsight, I think that the Venture Investor may have just placed his hands around my throat without any pressure. Sebastian Valmont was actually choking me, and it hurt. I had told him not to leave a mark, and as he choked me, I felt myself reaching up to his hands, trying to loosen them. When I said ‘not so tight’ he did loosen though. After having sex for some time, he turned me around and began face f*cking me again, this time harder. Shortly after, he said I’m going to come down your throat this time. And he did. It ended very abruptly after that, with him going into the bathroom. After he came out, he said we’re done, thank you.
He’d instructed me not to say a word after we finished, but other than that, I had no idea what to do. I got my clothes and put them on in the bathroom, full of sunlight, which lay in stark contrast to the dark room. I heard him speaking to someone on the phone while I was in the bathroom, and was shocked at how his voice changed so suddenly- his voice was completely different to how it had been before. I felt dazed and lightheaded and what I wanted was to get out of that apartment as quickly as possible. We didn’t speak after. As I got my things and walked out, I saw him look at me as I closed the door, but, still carrying those feelings of childish shame, I couldn’t look him in the eye. In my haste, I forgot to get one side of my favourite earrings that had fallen on the sofa before. Lesson learnt: when going to have sex with a near stranger, do not wear your favourite earrings.
I felt completely dazed after what had happened, like waking up from a very thick sleep and vivid dream. I felt like my limbs were light and were going to float away from me, I had to massage my arms to get the feeling back. I decided to get my thoughts together and collect myself at a cafe in the city. When I got there, I had an iced tea, sat down, and tried to read a book, but my mind kept jumping elsewhere. I realized that I actually felt kind of shitty. But I couldn’t understand why. Sebastian Valmont had done nothing to me that I hadn’t asked for. He had stuck to the limits, and loosened the ties when I’d said so. He hadn’t seriously hurt me in any way other than what I had asked him for. I’d entered into this fully knowing what I was going to get, and couldn’t understand why I was feeling so unwell. I generally feel quite happy after sex.
What I soon realized, was that I was experiencing something called ‘subdrop’. Subdrop is described online as a crash you get after BDSM play, as this kind of play is akin to thrill-seeking behaviours like adventure sports, or taking drugs. The symptoms were in line with mine: sadness, feeling dazed and lightheaded, as well as several other things. As I sat at the cafe, I read through sites saying that aftercare is a must after BDSM play. Sebastian Valmont and I had never discussed aftercare. I’d heard about it briefly, from Proxie X, but honestly, I hadn’t thought that I would need it. Now that I knew why I was feeling the way I did, it made me feel more rational and clear-headed, but I still didn’t feel very good.
I decided to go to Hyde Park to clear my head (unfortunately, I had another Craigslist date that night, so had to stick around). I sat down on the grass, tried to read again, and took my shoes off, feeling the texture of the grass underneath my feet. I kept telling myself that I had to pull myself together. If anything, it had been my fault for not discussing aftercare with Sebastian Valmont. This was probably the first time in my life where I had gone in search for sexual pleasure, and ended up with a result that missed the mark. It was the first time where I doubted if I had done the right thing.
I spent an hour in the park waiting for my next date, trying to get my head together. Admittedly, I felt so shaky and lightheaded that I didn’t even know if I could drive the short distance from the station to my house. I also felt so exhausted that I wanted to curl up into a ball and sleep right there in the park. I’ve always had a thrill seeking personality, but with my transgressive acts as of late, I wonder if I am spiraling out of control.
After sitting in the park, I was able to collect my thoughts and went to my next Craigslist date (not for BDSM sex) feeling better, although I wasn’t in the liveliest of spirits.
I thought about it on the way home after dinner with my other date. After dinner, my nerves had cleared up and I was basically back to normal. Really, it could have been much worse. He could have seriously harmed, or even killed me. I have been extremely cavalier (much more so) recently, and this introduction to Craigslist hookups has made me realize that Tinder hookups are the only way to go.