13th April – end of April 2016
I felt things were going well with PSB despite my doubts. On Wednesday, we made plans to see each other, and I came over his house. We had intense sex that night, and fell asleep watching a movie. That weekend, we had planned to go hiking on Saturday and I messaged him in the morning asking which route he wanted to do. When he replied, I sensed a tone of distance: “Just got up, pretty exhausted. Don’t feel like doing anything today, Mum’s situation is changing, heading to see her and won’t see her again for quite some time.”
I knew his mother was seriously ill, and so I should’ve been understanding, but I won’t lie, I was fuming because he had just cancelled plans the week before. So I replied, feigning concern and masking my anger, and asked if it was okay, and said I hoped it would get better if it wasn’t. He replied a few hours later, saying it wasn’t going to get better. I was out having drinks for a friend’s birthday at the time, and decided not to reply until the next day. The next day, while lying hungover in bed, I texted him saying I’d like to be there for him, if he wanted me to. I waited all day, and didn’t get a reply, nor did I get one the next day. As you know, I’m no stranger to the waiting-for-a-text-back-from-tinder-boy game, and after the second day I assumed it was over between us. On the fourth day, he messaged me, saying: “I can’t see you anymore, I’m sorry.” I was out eating dinner with my brother when I got the message, and tried to stop a tear from rolling down my cheek.
I was upset, but didn’t let it faze me. I promptly threw myself back into dating life, and even had two dates that weekend. That weekend was a long weekend, and four days after he had messaged me the goodbye text, I was getting ready for a date, when I got a text message by PSB saying: “I’m a mess, come hold me please.” He texted again promptly saying “I know I’m being unfair but I’m so down, and I need you.” Then he texted again, saying “Please come?” After the three texts, I also got two calls from him right after that I ignored. I felt slightly triumphant that he had asked for me back, but I also felt like he had had his chance already. I took a hot shower after the messages and mulled over my reply. When I got out of the shower, I replied to his message and said that I had taken him seriously when he said he couldn’t see me anymore, and that I had started going on dates again. He replied promptly, and said he understood, and good luck with everything. After I got that reply from him, I realised that I only wanted a little more persistence from him. I then texted him back and asked if he was okay, and said I could still come over. I waited 20 minutes and didn’t get a reply from him, so I finished getting ready and went on my date.
My date and I were three or four hours into our date and had already hit up two bars, and were five drinks deep when PSB called me and said he was coming to pick me up. 10 minutes later, my date and I were standing outside the bar, about to head to another one (I hadn’t told him I was leaving) then as PSB pulled up, my date said “Oh.. this is you?” and I replied yes, guiltily. To mitigate the fact that I was leaving with another man, I said, “I’ll message you.” He turned back with what I can only say was a hurt look, and said, “No, you won’t.” It was one of my top 5 most awkward date endings. Despite that, I was very happy to see PSB.
As he pulled up, and I got into the car, he said sorry, he didn’t know I was on a date, and that it must have been awkward. I was quite drunk after the five drinks, and I said unabashedly that it would have been more awkward for both of them rather than me. PSB said the situation with his mother had gotten worse, but didn’t elaborate, and asked if I would be able to stay the week at his place. I graciously agreed, and so off we went on the long drive home to my house from the city to grab a week’s worth of clothes. After grabbing clothes from my place, we went grocery shopping and then cooked dinner at his place. While we were eating dinner, PSB said he had made up his mind to ask me to be his girlfriend, and asked me to stay during the week so that I could have some time to decide.
We had a relaxing night in, and the next morning he drove me to work, kissed me goodbye and told me to have a great day. It felt like we were a married couple. After work the next evening, I came back to his house. He had a piano lesson, with a female tutor who looked at me intriguingly when he introduced me as his “friend”, which I didn’t mind.
The next morning, he drove me to work again, and after work we had sex twice, went grocery shopping and cooked dinner. After dinner, we were lying in bed cuddling and talking about the kind of relationship that we wanted. PSB very clearly stated that he wanted a thin, pretty, Asian girl, who was on the pill to be his girlfriend. There were some things he said that could have been relevant to me (such as ‘likes puns’), but the majority of his requirements were by and large applicable to girls other than me. He also said during this time, that if I wanted things to progress, I would have to lose weight and be on the pill.
You got that right: he actually said “lose weight”. I’m sure any other sane girl in my situation would have abruptly ended it, but because I am insane I brushed it off. That night we had more #realtalk, which resulted in him singing “Fly me to the moon” to me before we fell asleep.
The next morning, he gave me keys to his apartment as he would be home late that night. I love getting keys to a boy’s apartment more than anything, so I was elated when he did so. I ate dinner out that night, then came back to PSB’s place and chilled. He came home shortly after me, and we chatted for a bit before falling asleep. That night we had a slightly tense discussion. We were lying in bed, when PSB said he really enjoyed this week with me, and was sad that we wouldn’t be having them anymore. I replied, “what do you mean we won’t be having these weeks anymore? You asked me to be your girlfriend earlier, in the week, is that not something you want anymore?” He said “I still want that, but I assumed you didn’t because of your reaction when I said you’d have to be on the pill, and you started talking about personal freedom”. At this point, I still really liked him despite all the lose weight talk. He said this week had been as much about me deciding if I wanted to date him as well, and that it would be selfish of him to ask me to be exclusive while I was still deciding. He said he would give me some time to think about it. I went to sleep feeling quite troubled about the whole thing.
The next morning, I took all my stuff to work, and said I would drop it at home after work then come back out for drinks, and PSB said I could leave my stuff at his place, then he could come pick me up after my friend’s birthday drinks and then drive me home, which I said no to. That night, when I saw my friends at dinner, I told them about the situation and they plainly said I shouldn’t be seeing him. I told them I intended to stop seeing him after that night and would break it off without a goodbye.
That night, he picked me up after my friend’s birthday, and we chatted before going to bed. I felt uneasy and a bit sad about my planned end with him, but didn’t mention it, and went to sleep. The next morning, I had plans with a girlfriend in Bondi, which he dropped me off to. While driving there, we passed a golf course, and I mentioned that I’d like to try playing sometime. He said he would find his mother’s golf clubs to take me at some point, and told me to have a good day and kissed me goodbye when he dropped me off.
That was even more troubling, as I was mentally preparing myself to say goodbye to him. That day, I told my girlfriend about the weight loss thing, and she clearly said I wasn’t fat, and that I shouldn’t be seeing someone who would ask me to lose weight. Later on that evening, I went to spend the evening with another male friend, and it was at this point that I realised I had left my makeup bag at PSB’s house, which I was extremely irritated about. I called him that night with the intention of asking him to drop it off to me right then, but he sounded funny, and so we said goodbye with me soliciting a promise from him to drop my makeup bag off to me tomorrow.
The next day, PSB met me in the city with my makeup bag. When he saw me, he kissed me hello and asked what I was doing then, and as I wasn’t doing anything, he offered to drive me home, and I accepted. When we got to my place, he kissed me goodbye and we made plans to see each other in a few days. I felt extremely conflicted about the situation.